Updated: 03/20/2024
A friend of mine recently contacted me in a state of despair. She began by saying, “My husband died and I want him back. He was the love of my life. I lost my best friend. I feel so lost without my husband. How will I ever move on with my life?”
When a loved one passes away, many of us might find it hard to recover and find happiness again. We are drowned in emotional and mental despair. Every morning when we wake up, the painful truth of our loss makes us feel weak and defeated. When you lose a spouse, with whom you’ve spent your life together, you feel lost. It is no surprise that the loss of a loved one is the biggest source of stress.
It takes a toll on our bodies to suffer from too much stress. Studies have shown that persistent stress at work can cause diabetes and heart disease. How much more can the stress of losing a loved one do? The death of a spouse has been proven to even sometimes be fatal for the surviving partner.
Findings from a certain study show that people rated the loss of a spouse as the most stressful experience in a person’s life. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, the mortality rate of a spouse increased when their partner was simply hospitalized. Men have a higher risk of death because of a spouse’s hospitalization (22%) than women (16%). As one could expect, the fatality rate of the surviving spouse increases dramatically a year after the loss of a spouse. Sometimes it feels like the emotional pain is too much.
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“My Husband Died And I Want Him Back.” – Martha’s Story
The stress and trauma that come with the death of a spouse are not new to Martha Reynolds. It took every ounce of willpower she could make to even get up from bed in the morning after her dearest 38-year-old husband Joseph passed away. If it hadn’t been for Sean and Bradley, her six and five-year-old kids, who needed her the most in those trying times, she says that she would have just stayed in bed and waited for her time to follow her husband.
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The life purpose of Martha became blurry after cancer took her husband away. She cannot feel happiness or satisfaction anymore. Her emotions were on a never-ending roller coaster. She was not only forced into the unimaginable loss that came with the passing of her beloved spouse, but she also had to struggle with the death of her dreams.
Before Joseph died, the couple had purchased a home in San Diego, California. They wanted to see their sons grow and flourish in their new place together. However, fate had something else in mind. Martha was abruptly pushed into the role of being a solo parent. She lost her desire to live and her passion for her writing profession after Joseph’s death.
After she lost her husband, Martha’s health and well-being suffered, and her emotional state became very unstable when she and her sons relocated from Illinois to California to continue Martha and Joseph’s shared dream. The only issue was that her beloved husband was not with them anymore. Martha was even admitted to the hospital with chest pains as a result of the extreme stress she felt.
Martha lived her life like a zombie. Her heart was severely broken, and she had no source of happiness at all. Martha routinely grieved in private. Fortunately, her innate passion for writing soon took control and became a critical part of her recovery. She used pen and paper to find comfort and relief. She kept a journal of her thoughts and emotions as she went through her new life. Journaling provided her with a secure space where she could articulate and express emotions she could not express in person. Her health would have suffered greatly if she had not found her outlet.
Currently, more than fifteen years since Joseph died, Martha helps people all around the country by telling her personal experience, offering sympathy and compassion, and sharing what helped her most in emerging from the lowest and darkest point of her life.
Martha’s most effective therapy for regaining her mental and emotional wellness was without a doubt writing. Her own handwritten words, one after another, helped her heal her wounds. In addition, she and her sons also benefited from bereavement counseling provided by BetterHelp, an online counseling platform. She got a great therapist to help her cope with her damaged emotional body, as well as guidance to aid in her decision-making and additional help to assist her struggling children.
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Stages Of Grief
You might not be able to comprehend what has happened at first. There’s a strong likelihood that until the burial, you won’t realize he’s gone and that your thoughts will go numb. Even worse, you could think you’re in a nightmare and that this isn’t real life. All of this is very normal. After your husband’s passing, you can experience all five stages of grief.
- Denial: “I can’t believe this is happening to me.”
- Anger: “Why did something like this need to happen?”
- Bargaining: “Maybe he would still be alive if I had done things differently.”
- Depression: “I don’t think that I can ever be happy again.”
- Acceptance: “I’m finally prepared to continue living my life.”
It’s vital to keep in mind that you won’t go through each stage in order, and you could come back to some of the phases more than once. Grieving has no set timeframe.
Mourning The Death Of Your Husband
Once your husband passes away, it could seem like life as you know it is ended, but there will come a point when you are ready to pick up the pieces of your life and begin anew. This does not imply that you have forgotten about or no longer love your husband. Simply put, it means you figure out a way to exist without him.
You have a lot of options for preserving your husband’s spirit and paying tribute to his memory. Consider keeping a notebook where you may record your ideas and recollections of him. You might also make a picture book or plant a tree in his honor. Finding techniques to keep your husband near to your heart is the most crucial thing.
Tips To Cope With The Loss Of Your Husband
In the end, Martha received assistance from a variety of sources and activities. Here are her tips and advice for regaining health and happiness following the death of a loved one:
1. Journaling
Write a journal without hesitations and restrictions. Let yourself express every thought, emotion, and feeling, irrespective of how good or bad they appear. I personally have found that journaling makes me feel better.
2. Obtain Assistance
Obtain assistance and support from a local hospice, bereavement organization, or online therapy platform such as BetterHelp.
3. Take Time To Heal
Allow yourself to take time to heal for as long as necessary.
4. Volunteer
Volunteer for other people. Make an effort to help others, especially during those times when you don’t want to be alone.
5. Try New Things
Try something new during the holidays; create new traditions and discover creative ways to celebrate.
6. Practice Self-Care
Take good care of yourself by doing things you like such as taking a stroll, listening to music, sleeping late, or getting massages.
Encourage friends and family to say your loved one’s name and share their best memories with you by talking about them.
8. Join A Bereavement Group
Bereavement support groups are often incredibly therapeutic for folks. When you can see that other people are going through the same type of loss as you are through bereavement groups, they can help you feel more connected. They can foster optimism. You could realize that if the members of your group can overcome their setbacks, so can you. Members of groups can discuss some of the ways they have been able to work toward recovery while also brainstorming coping mechanisms.
Conclusion
Even though her husband is gone, and she knows that he is never coming back, Martha was able to prevent serious health problems by taking action to help herself through her toughest days. She is now happy and healthy. She is the President of her local social club and has endowed scholarships at Northwestern University, her alma mater, and UCLA in Joseph’s honor.
Her sons are no longer young boys, but grown, well-balanced, and happy young men. Martha’s life is once again joyful and meaningful. Even though she didn’t believe it was possible, the steps she made to help herself paid off in the most profound ways.
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I can relate to Martha’s story. I lost my husband last year 2023 after 52 years of marriage. The grief has been overwhelming. If someone said put it into words I don’t think I could. I live alone now with my dog basil. I don’t like living alone never done it before hard to cope with. I have been suffering with bad anxiety since my husband passed away it’s hard to overcome at times I feel like I can’t go on anymore. Recently a bout of pneumonia and I also have had salmonella and ecoli infections. I have had to ring for an ambulance a few times as I have felt so unwell. On antibiotics at the moment. I have no relatives nearby. I do have some of my husband’s relatives not far away. But I don’t really have much contact as they have been very distant and ever come to see me since my husband died last year. I try to cope as best I can as the void my husband Sydney’s death has left me with is so large. We where sole mates and very close. I seem to panic over things as sometimes I feel it all gets on top of me lives challenges. The anxiety has been the worst thing trying to cope with that.
Regards jessica
Dear Jessica,
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m deeply sorry for your loss. It’s understandable that losing your husband after 52 years together feels overwhelming. Living alone for the first time and coping with anxiety, especially with your recent health issues, must be incredibly challenging.
Remember, it’s okay to seek help. Reaching out to a grief counselor or joining a support group could provide some comfort. Leaning on your husband’s relatives, even if they seem distant, might also bring unexpected support.
Take care of yourself, Jessica. You’re not alone in this.
Hi Jessica I can relate to your comment and Martha’s story. I lost a partner recently it’s a rollercoaster of emotions. Whether it is a sudden loss or expected passing away. Nothing prepare you for that happening.. I hope your health issues improve soon Jessica. I to have had physical illness since my husband John so away.